We all love our mates. Duh. But sometimes we just really want to slap our friends’ faces off and it’s totally fair enough. We’ve decided that there should be girlfriend guidelines. And violating those rules should have instant repercussions. Sound like a plan? Cool, let’s do it. Here are what we propose as slappable offences.
The skinny friend with the “I’m so fat” boringness.
We get it, you’re hungry coz you’re on that hangry diet again that makes you tinier than usual. But here’s a hot tip... it’s SO boring when you talk about being fat. Don’t fish here for compliments; I already like you. We urge you to take the great Justin Bieber’s advice on this: Baby, you should go and love yourself.
The backdoor bailer
You know what’s more fun than making plans? Keeping them and having an awesome time. But it’s super annoying if you make cool plans, book out my Friday night, and then cancel on Friday afternoon. Here’s an idea – don’t make them. Pretend you’re busy, coz I could have turned down a date with a Chris Hemsworth lookalike to be around you. Probably not, but maybe.
The faux borrower
There are awesome businesses that actually allow you to rent dresses. Designer dresses. So you don’t even have to moan to me about not owning a bangin’ dress for that wedding you have to go to on Saturday night – you can rent it! What’s even better is, if you don’t return it, they can stalk your ass, with the help of scary phone calls from private numbers threatening to lock you up in jail, ’til you do. I can’t do that. So don’t borrow from me and never return it, because then we’ll both be broke-ass losers with no clothes. KTHANKSBYE.
The F-boy fibber
We’re from a time of Destiny’s Child Survivor anthems and Kimmy K naked selfies. We’re #liberated and we’ll do whatever the F we like with our bodies, etc. But you know what isn’t cute? Doing whatever the F you like with your body but knowing it’s a shit life move and then lying to your friends about it. Have a pool boy, sleep with whoever you like on the weekends. But remember – if you are too embarrassed/ashamed to admit it to your best friend, you know you’re making a huge mistake.
This loops back to our fourth point. If we choose to sleep with a bad boy and it’s fun and we’re open and honest about it and we know we aren’t going to marry them and we’re just having an amazing time, let us live! Don’t shame me, sister – I’m keepin’ it real! Or maybe you don’t like him or maybe it’s not for you, but that’s the fun in us not being the same person.
The serial sobber
OK, OK, we know we’re kind of tough on this one, but it’s really, really boring to have a friend who spends every single weekend crying into Ben & Jerry’s and drinking all of your wine on your couch – over the same annoying dude. Here’s a hot tip – if he’s an asshole, STOP GOING BACK. If you’re making big statements like, “I HATE HIM”, and “I’LL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN”, then don’t. Or don’t say it. Or we’ll enforce a three fail quota. You get three weekends of tears. Three tubs of Ben & Jerry’s. And then you’ve got to find your own couch. And wine. And, more importantly, ice cream.
The backstabbing bestie
This seems pretty obvi, but we think it’s worth a mention. And the perfect conclusion to these truth bombs. If you say you’re a friend – don’t say mean things about us. Or, say mean things about us, but don’t call us your friend after. Life’s short and we would rather save our pretty pennies for Instagram-worthy holidays with our real friends than brunch and nights out with fake friends. Bye, Felicia.